


youth

by teddygirl105



Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: Angst, Beaches, Character Death, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Inspired by Fanart, Ocean, Sick Character, Stars, Waves, Youth, for sunfili, happy seungjun day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:20:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28710348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teddygirl105/pseuds/teddygirl105
Summary: like the waves of the ocean, life takes his youth by the shoulders, washing away the rough edges and leaving behind the worn, tired Seungjun of the present. dulled edges, smooth surface, and nothing but a small part of what he once was.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18





	youth

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [seven summers.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27572797) by [LIGHTSJOON](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LIGHTSJOON/pseuds/LIGHTSJOON). 



> during one of our prompt nights we each gave each other one word to work off of! the amazing sunfili drew a fantastic piece from the words "youth", "waves", "photograph" and "phosphenes" and my brain went brrr so here is the result of that haha
> 
> i hope this lives up to what your art entails dearest sunfili hehe

Seungjun had always thought of himself as a dreamer.

Someone who reached for bigger than life goals, someone who tried to reach for the stars. A person who, in ways, became oblivious to his surroundings and hyperfocuses.

As a kid, he wanted to be a police officer. A famous artist. Seungjun wanted to become someone in society who had weight to their actions, and was acknowledged by others. In his youth, he wanted to be busy and booked.

The 26 year old Seungjun in the present, content with his simple life as a bookstore owner in this small, seaside town, wonders why he was so boisterous as a child. He's still young, but by now the waves of life have smoothed at his edges, turning him into sea glass that has long been dulled. He no longer believes that he's a dreamer, merely just a person who lives. Who breathes. Some of the students that come by for reading material always joke that he acts like he's 50-something years old.

_ "I'm 26." _

_ "You, Mr. Lee? I mean, you do look young! But I always thought you were like, at least in your late thirties to forties." _

_ He laughs. "Life comes at you fast. Toughens you up real nice." He passes over the textbook to the student. "Don't be afraid to do what you want. Studies are important, but so is your youth. Have some fun every once in a while." _

_ Their little group of friends chuckle. "Alright, Mr. Lee. Thank you!" _

They aren't too far off. There are days where he feels old and aged, like time has made his bones brittle and the heaviness in his chest all too painful. 

_ "Live a little, Jun." _

He lets out a sigh.

"I'm trying, Hyo."

After a few more moments of standing behind the counter, watching the sky bloom into deep orange and cotton candy pinks, bleeding into the dark indigo of night, Seungjun closes up shop and heads home.

* * *

_ "Jun. Wanna do something stupid with me?" _

_ Seungjun groans, rolling to his side and looking up at Hyojin from his mattress on the floor. "It's like, 4 am Hyojin. What do you want?" _

_ "I can't sleep. And the stars are supposed to be really nice today!" _

_ "And?" _

_ "I live five minutes away from the beach, man! We can shimmy out, enjoy the sights, and if we accidentally stay too long, we can just make up the excuse that we woke up early to see the sunrise!" _

_ "Which is something that we never do." Regardless, Seungjun pulls himself out of bed, groggily snatching his phone and pulling a hoodie on. In excitement, Hyojin scrambles to his desk, grabbing a polaroid camera from the side. _

_ "Jacket." Seungjun calls out, holding it up by the collar. Hyojin takes it, slipping both arms inside before snatching his wrist and dragging him out the bedroom. Getting out of the house is a simple affair, both of Hyojin's parents are heavy sleepers and it's as easy as slipping out the door. _

_ The cool, night air is crisp on their skin, making them shiver. Unconsciously, they huddle close to each other, arms linked together.  _

_ "I hate this already." Seungjun grumbles. Hyojin slaps his arm. _

_ "We're almost there, whiner." _

_ It isn't long until the two of them cross the street, stepping down the worn, wooden stairs. Their shoes crunch on the stones of the beach, beginning to thin out into the washed up kelp and sand. They've been blessed with a moderate tide, enough sand to safely walk, but not too much that they have to cross a great distance to get to the waters. _

_ Hyojin shoves Seungjun a little, polaroid camera in his hands. "Do something, like a pose." _

_ "I look like ass." _

_ "And does that matter? Absolutely not. Shut up and do it." _

_ He huffs, walking closer to the edge. The waves are slow, pushing close to his heels only to recede back. The reflection of the moon shimmers, wavering with each ripple of the water. It feels a bit like a portal to another world. _

_ Hyojin begins taking photos, the buzz of the polaroid camera mingling with the soft crash of waves and the hiss of the cicadas. They don't exchange any words at all, simply working in tandem depending on the other's actions. _

_ Eventually, Seungjun comes over to take the camera, gently nudging Hyojin towards the water. He smiles, before skipping ahead and letting his impulse take the wheel. He twirls around, arms outstretched as he takes in the air. Hyojin plays a taunting game with the waves, getting as close as he dares before quickly squealing and running before the water can lap at his shoes. _

_ Seungjun simply stands and watches, taking pictures with a smile on his face as he lets Hyojin do what he wants. There's one photo in particular that he likes the most; Hyojin facing the sea, arms outstretched as a mild breeze blows his cardigan behind him. He looks free. _

_ It isn't long though, until Hyojin retreats back to Seungjun's side, rubbing his arms and tucking his cardigan in tight. Seungjun frowns. He passes the camera and photos over to him, before taking off his own hoodie and tying it around his shoulders. _

_ "Aren't you cold?" he murmurs. Seungjun shakes his head, slinging an arm around Hyojin. _

_ "It's summer. I'll be fine." _

_ Seungjun quietly points out the photos he likes the most. Hyojin does the same, and they decide on which ones they'll take as memories.  _

_ They notice how the tide begins to crawl forward, getting closer and closer. They're quick to climb back up the steps, taking a seat on a bench. Seungjun still holds Hyojin close to him.  _

_ The stars are pretty today. They shine with a fervent glow, one much brighter than what Seungjun normally sees in the city. He can see the constellation of the Big Dipper, of Orion's Belt. A clear, night sky that showcases a beauty he hasn't seen before. _

_ And when he turns his head, gaze wandering to Hyojin's face, he sees another beauty. Pursed lips, a cute button nose, eyes that seem to hold the stars themselves. _

_ Seungjun wonders what he deserved in this world to be blessed by such a wonderful man. _

_ Hyojin takes note of his gaze, turning to meet eyes. Something in his face hardens, and he presses himself closer. _

_ "Jun. Can I tell you something?" _

* * *

Seungjun wakes up with a jolt, taking in a sharp breath as his body spasms. His heart pounds in his chest, and as he slowly sits himself up, he can feel a slight dampness on his clothes.

He looks at the time. 4 am.

He rubs at his eyes, trying to get the sleep out and will away the blurriness. Hyojin. All he can think about is Hyojin, all he can see is Hyojin on that goddamn beach, with his stupidly cute grin that makes his cheeks puff up.

And when he opens his eyes, there's nothing but his bedroom walls.

There's something inside of him that compels him. A feeling inside his gut that tells him to get out of bed, to get out of the house and to go to the beach. Like a tether to a tree, gently tugging him along.

So he does. He pulls himself out of bed, tugs a hoodie on, and grabs a few things before leaving. Locks up his apartment and pads down the street to the beach. He passes by familiar street signs, crosses the street, goes down the stairs that he's stepped down so many times before.

Seungjun's feet take him to the sands, stopping a few meters from the water's edge. A hand slips into his pocket, and numb fingers take out a polaroid, a little worn from the years, but still looking new. He holds it out in front of him, lining up the waters perfectly so that it looks like a window to the past.

He swears he can hear Hyojin's laughter, and if he squints hard enough, the lines blur, making it seem like Hyojin is right in front of him, arms outstretched as he faces the sea.

Seungjun moves the picture away. Nothing is there.

He closes his eyes. Takes in a deep breath, the saltiness of the air hitting his lungs.

_ "I... I think I'm going to die, Jun." _

Sick. Hyojin had been sick.

He didn't tell anyone. Didn't want to worry them, he said. Hyojin told Seungjun that he didn't want surgery for his illness. That he just wanted to live out the last remainder of his youth in happiness. That was all he wanted.

And Seungjun? Seungjun let him. He didn't fight back with his decision. He respected his choice and let him go.

He still regrets it to this day.

Every single day, Seungjun regrets. It had felt like a swirling vortex at first, an unstoppable whirlpool that he knew was untouchable. But now, as the years have gone by and as he took the time to think, Seungjun realizes that it was just a simple drain in a tub, easily stopped by a plug.

He had the power to let Hyojin live. Hyojin would have done anything for him, just as he would have too. All it would have taken were his simple words of, "I don't want you to die." or even a, "Please don't go." That would have been enough for Hyojin to live.

But he didn't. Because Seungjun was indecisive. Because he wanted to respect Hyojin's wishes. He didn't want to be selfish.

Now he wishes that he wasn't such a damn coward.

He had moved here, to Hyojin's hometown by the sea, in order to gain some semblance of closure. All it gave him was the constant tug at his heart, as he walked by places that Hyojin loved. As he saw faces that Hyojin knew. The pain was dull, now that Seungjun had gotten used to it. He liked to call it his karma for not doing anything.

Hyojin passed away just a few days before his 19th birthday.

Seungjun's youth died along with him.

**Author's Note:**

> can you tell that i wrote this at ass o'clock the night before with absolutely no semblance of a plot??
> 
> [ twitter](https://twitter.com/teddygirl105)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/teddygirl05)


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